Monday, December 29, 2008
After acquiring new earphones with which to listen to music as I work, the disparity of satisfaction I feel when working with and without them is deeply apparent. What a difference! Instead of people shouting at their computer and swearing, I've got Chris, Mazzy and the junkies in my ear.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Sentimental Sunday
In my dream the other night, I was Jewish and in a concentration camp. It was during World War II. I had a wife whom I loved, though in retrospect she resembled no one I know in real life. At one point we found a way out of the camp, though we were seen during our escape. We darted across a field; the scenery resembled middle America as I recall. To catch up to us, the Germans needed to circle around a river, giving us a bit of time to get away. As we neared a dirt road, we saw their headlights come over the horizon. "Quick," my wife said, pointing at a farm up ahead. I followed her down the gravel driveway, passing several large, red barns with thick, white trim. My wife chose a sort of carport: beige on the outside yet transclucent on the inside. In fact, once inside, it appeared as if the walls were nearly invisible (invisibility marred by a slight, relatively unnoticable glitch comparable to looking through several panes of glass). We saw the German vehicles drive at a mild clip down the road, anxious as life and death over whether they'd (about three) turn down the gravel driveway. They did. Our anxiety turned to whether they'd stop at the first barn, the second, the third. But, maintaining their clip, they stopped outside the carport. I hugged myself against the wall, hoping that my death would be quick and painless. My wife stood behind a car toward the end. We saw the Germans get out of their vehicles and file lazily into an anteroom just outside our carport. They sat around a large table and appeared to be conversing socially as before a communal meal. I decided that this time was the best to escape again. I took my wife's hand and we started walking out of the carport down the gravel road; the rate of our walk was somewhat hurried, but as hopefully not to catch any attention. A man in the anteroom then opened the door and stepped out. He had a large pistol in his hand that I glanced at briefly while walking by. At one point, I paused, turned and faced him.
"Do you know why I'm doing this?" he said. His face was decidedly anglo, but he had dark hair. He looked more like man that worked in a furniture factory than a Nazi. His glasses were thick and fitted to his somewhat pitted face. He looked me in the eye with his brown eyes. I was sure we were dead. Then, he pointed his pistol at the Germans in the anteroom and started shooting them in the head. He kept on saying: "Do you know why I'm doing this?"
I jumped in front of my wife, prepared to take some bullets in the back. I whispered to her: "Please run," and we ran up around the house and through a field, after which the dream ended.
"Do you know why I'm doing this?" he said. His face was decidedly anglo, but he had dark hair. He looked more like man that worked in a furniture factory than a Nazi. His glasses were thick and fitted to his somewhat pitted face. He looked me in the eye with his brown eyes. I was sure we were dead. Then, he pointed his pistol at the Germans in the anteroom and started shooting them in the head. He kept on saying: "Do you know why I'm doing this?"
I jumped in front of my wife, prepared to take some bullets in the back. I whispered to her: "Please run," and we ran up around the house and through a field, after which the dream ended.
Friday, December 26, 2008
My mother gave me quite a call today. Her life is suffering because of the ongoing construction and remodeling that has been present in my parents' house since my consciousness came into being. "It was so cold ..." she said, "it's terrible." It makes me so sad to know they're suffering.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Sentimental Sunday
Let me tell you how I feel.
There is an unending feeling of melancholy, the source of which is my current job. The constant push to go toward overdesigning, encouragement of bizarre font choices, lust for bad news and complaining, and general grossness of my close associates boils into a distasteful environment. Basically, my boss is a fucking moron whose sole motivation is to do whatever the hell he wants. He doesn't care what real newspapers do. He just wants to do what he wants. This trait, while positive in some respects, will destroy whatever credibility this collection of newspapers have. My co-workers are just gross. There's always grit under their fingernails. Their faces are so tense with worry most of the time. They're children; some are married, too. There's nobody like me here (while this trait of environment isn't entirely new to me, note that there is nobody even close to me around here).
I can't leave for a few basic reasons. The job environment isn't exactly conducive to those looking for a job. My brother is now officially living with me. I don't want to leave my girlfriend. Even if I found a good job, I don't think that I could afford to move again.
So, my only choice is to find some peace with this place. I always knew denigration would be in my future. I hadn't really considered how extensive and in what capacity, though.
There is an unending feeling of melancholy, the source of which is my current job. The constant push to go toward overdesigning, encouragement of bizarre font choices, lust for bad news and complaining, and general grossness of my close associates boils into a distasteful environment. Basically, my boss is a fucking moron whose sole motivation is to do whatever the hell he wants. He doesn't care what real newspapers do. He just wants to do what he wants. This trait, while positive in some respects, will destroy whatever credibility this collection of newspapers have. My co-workers are just gross. There's always grit under their fingernails. Their faces are so tense with worry most of the time. They're children; some are married, too. There's nobody like me here (while this trait of environment isn't entirely new to me, note that there is nobody even close to me around here).
I can't leave for a few basic reasons. The job environment isn't exactly conducive to those looking for a job. My brother is now officially living with me. I don't want to leave my girlfriend. Even if I found a good job, I don't think that I could afford to move again.
So, my only choice is to find some peace with this place. I always knew denigration would be in my future. I hadn't really considered how extensive and in what capacity, though.
Monday, December 15, 2008
If you're lucky, you may receive a Christmas card from me. If you want one, be sure to leave your address by commenting in the usual way. They're going to be awesome. Pop-ups all of them, with a "hand-crafted" personal message! I'm very excited. That's about all for now. TA!
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Everyone around me has drank the water. Apparently, choosing a font is the latest "Skill" in the newspaper designer's arsenal.
Everything in my life is pointing to one solution to the overarching disappointment with life: I need to find another job. Yet, I don't want to move from Ms. Starchild.
Everything in my life is pointing to one solution to the overarching disappointment with life: I need to find another job. Yet, I don't want to move from Ms. Starchild.
Sunday, December 07, 2008
Sentimental Sunday
"Hey there. How've you been. No really, how are you? It's been a while. Year or so.
"There's not really much to say, is there. Too much talking from this end, anyway. How's Cambodia? It's Cambodia, right?
"I'm involved with a woman. She took me to Bali, which is also in Indonesia. She's good to me.
"I guess in a few years, maybe I won't even remember you. Or at least, the emotions that go along with you will have become encased like editions of some bizarre museum — just a memorium, a nod to who and what it all was about.
"The things I said, here and verbally, never came out right. Nothing ever did. It was never right. All that, though, I'm learning to let go of. The past isn't really there to guide our present, to determine our future. The past is just the old part of what we have now. Maybe someday we can actually have this conversation. And maybe it won't be so bad when we look back on things.
"Maybe the first part of that museum will be my flawless picture of you stepping out into the January sky that day. Your colors, face, everything. I'll keep that, and maybe only that."
"There's not really much to say, is there. Too much talking from this end, anyway. How's Cambodia? It's Cambodia, right?
"I'm involved with a woman. She took me to Bali, which is also in Indonesia. She's good to me.
"I guess in a few years, maybe I won't even remember you. Or at least, the emotions that go along with you will have become encased like editions of some bizarre museum — just a memorium, a nod to who and what it all was about.
"The things I said, here and verbally, never came out right. Nothing ever did. It was never right. All that, though, I'm learning to let go of. The past isn't really there to guide our present, to determine our future. The past is just the old part of what we have now. Maybe someday we can actually have this conversation. And maybe it won't be so bad when we look back on things.
"Maybe the first part of that museum will be my flawless picture of you stepping out into the January sky that day. Your colors, face, everything. I'll keep that, and maybe only that."
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Tomorrow will mark my one-year anniversary of working for this crummy company (marked here at 50 word stories as a simple departure and hiatus). As always, I briefly ponder what might have been. However, this time, I will not. The past, I've grown to accept, isn't all that useful to us. —Nor the future. Now, I believe, is the most useful of mindsets; eventually it can become the only mindset. This is a strong statement coming from a man as nostalgic about himself as me. For this reason, I offer the following 50-word story:
This is my life. Maybe my oldest friend, my brother, is living with me while he gets on his feet. My girlfriend, Ms. Starchild, is wonderful. My job is terrible and unsafe. I'm out of shape. My hair is too long. I love everything. This moment, I am at peace.
This is my life. Maybe my oldest friend, my brother, is living with me while he gets on his feet. My girlfriend, Ms. Starchild, is wonderful. My job is terrible and unsafe. I'm out of shape. My hair is too long. I love everything. This moment, I am at peace.

