Sentimental Saturday
"Fuck you. Fuck you for not even thinking it would have worked, because it would've worked — it would work.
"I fumbled it all, and you may or may not see it, but it was me. I was distant when it was the worst time, and circumstance convinced me to pull away. —Not only that, but I was convinced you were pulling away, too, treating me as the transitory man that I had been and still am used to being.
"... I guess it doesn't matter now. And after all, you've only got five years til your kind is extinct, anyway... I could've spent five years with you.
"I would've given up all this for you. I'd've quit everything and gone wherever you wanted. Because for a moment or so, in the beginning, I felt ready to do it anyway. We could've scooped up each other and got as far away from this town as we felt right. We would've had some beautiful living dreamlife...
"But things are as they are. You've fallen in with a different lover — probably unaddicted to all the vices that make me terrible. Probably clean and handsome, funny, talented, and you probably love him. It's no question how he feels for you. Me, I've got my life, and you know what that means.
"It's not sex that I'm powerless against. No, it's different. I'm addicted to being a good lover, saying the right things, pleasing, kissing, loving. Often though, I can't say 'no,' and find myself further away from the right woman to say these things to. As my life continues I feel certain that I will often look back on my last terrible semester at MU, and I will — as is natural to me — grade the terrible events, and upon imposing hierarchy, I'll realize that what sits at the top is not my legal trouble, sexual trouble, family trouble, physical trouble, mental trouble, but instead the forefront is losing you. Being so clouded by my own stupid actions to not be able to see us slipping away from each other, being so incensed by my compulsions to turn the other way. I will no doubt have a deep frustration that'll grow from years of retrospect, and even with other lovers to occupy me, I'll constantly be remiss not to picture a life different, with you, a life that could have been...
"I was happy to be in my skin when I was with you. And, you're right. Now I'm not happy to be me. The day that I finally get over the vices and the issues that did it in for us is the day that I'll be ready to build a friendship, a love, something resembling that which I'd like to think is our life that could have been...
" ... or maybe I'm addicted to drama, and that's all this confession is. Just youthful drama. Well, it'll be the last youthful drama to unfold for me. Too old for games now. I'll try to give everything up, and maybe I'll get to the point where I'll find someone not worth writing about, at least, here."
"I fumbled it all, and you may or may not see it, but it was me. I was distant when it was the worst time, and circumstance convinced me to pull away. —Not only that, but I was convinced you were pulling away, too, treating me as the transitory man that I had been and still am used to being.
"... I guess it doesn't matter now. And after all, you've only got five years til your kind is extinct, anyway... I could've spent five years with you.
"I would've given up all this for you. I'd've quit everything and gone wherever you wanted. Because for a moment or so, in the beginning, I felt ready to do it anyway. We could've scooped up each other and got as far away from this town as we felt right. We would've had some beautiful living dreamlife...
"But things are as they are. You've fallen in with a different lover — probably unaddicted to all the vices that make me terrible. Probably clean and handsome, funny, talented, and you probably love him. It's no question how he feels for you. Me, I've got my life, and you know what that means.
"It's not sex that I'm powerless against. No, it's different. I'm addicted to being a good lover, saying the right things, pleasing, kissing, loving. Often though, I can't say 'no,' and find myself further away from the right woman to say these things to. As my life continues I feel certain that I will often look back on my last terrible semester at MU, and I will — as is natural to me — grade the terrible events, and upon imposing hierarchy, I'll realize that what sits at the top is not my legal trouble, sexual trouble, family trouble, physical trouble, mental trouble, but instead the forefront is losing you. Being so clouded by my own stupid actions to not be able to see us slipping away from each other, being so incensed by my compulsions to turn the other way. I will no doubt have a deep frustration that'll grow from years of retrospect, and even with other lovers to occupy me, I'll constantly be remiss not to picture a life different, with you, a life that could have been...
"I was happy to be in my skin when I was with you. And, you're right. Now I'm not happy to be me. The day that I finally get over the vices and the issues that did it in for us is the day that I'll be ready to build a friendship, a love, something resembling that which I'd like to think is our life that could have been...
" ... or maybe I'm addicted to drama, and that's all this confession is. Just youthful drama. Well, it'll be the last youthful drama to unfold for me. Too old for games now. I'll try to give everything up, and maybe I'll get to the point where I'll find someone not worth writing about, at least, here."
posted at
4:37 PM
